i finally know which shop i’m gonna get it done at and i’m gonna get it done after may 14th which is my last AP/IB test ever. i figured it’d be a good reward, you know? study hard for APs, kick ass, and then get my beautiful tat done. i’m hoping it’s not over $100, ugh. 

if you don’t already know, i’m getting “just breathe” in script on the side of my right ribcage in honor of my aunt who has lung cancer. also, i struggle with depression and when my anxiety gets really hight, i make myself do breathing exercises to calm myself down and that’s the only way i can prevent panic from setting in. YES, i realize miley cyrus has this tattoo as well and, yes, i did draw inspiration from her. but in no way am i getting this tattoo because she has it - i have my own personal reasons for getting it and i think that’s all that matters. it’s something that means a lot to me and it’s not something that i’m gonna be embarrassed of having in the future. i’m putting it in concealed spot so i don’t have to worry about screwing up my chances for a job or anything like that. it’s in a spot that i’ll be able to see every day when i take a shower to remind myself that every day is precious and it’s not worth getting worked up over the small stuff. you just gotta breathe and keep going.

i was gonna start working out and stuff to make sure i don’t look like a beached whale when i have to take my shirt off to get it done but i don’t know if it’d hurt less if i have a layer of fat still….i don’t know. i’ll probably still work out because i’ve been meaning to and i really need to not sit on my ass all day and not do any sort of physical activity. 

i know it’s been done a zillion times by a crap ton of people but it has personal meaning to me and i want it for my own reasons and not because a celebrity has it.

my aunt was diagnosed with lung cancer almost two years ago and the year before that she lost her husband in a tragic drunk driving accident. she’s my godmother. when i was dealing with the deepest part of my depression last year, the only thing that could really get me to stop and just take a breather, was her. when i am faced with a situation and i don’t know if it’s a good idea or not, i think to myself, “what would she think about this if she found out?” she is the strongest, most beautiful person in my life. i have so many incredible memories of her and she’s just my guiding light in the darkness that i face. 

she’s not the biggest fan of permanently marking up your body but i think if it has a personal meaning, she’s okay with it. i want to get “just breathe” or “breathe” on the side of my ribcage, to honor her bravery against lung cancer (never smoked a day in her life; i have vowed to myself that i will never smoke a single cigarette in my life) and to remind myself to just keep breathing when things get tough, especially because she continues to breathe even though it’s physically difficult for her to do so. 

i know rib tattoos are some of the most painful but i don’t even care. i want to get this tattoo soon because people can disappear in an instant. she’s been doing better lately but you never know what is going to happen with cancer. i want her to be able to see this tattoo and i want her to know how deeply she has touched my life and that there will never be a day in my life that i won’t think about her.

since my 18th birthday is two weeks away and i’d like to give myself more time to think about this, to consult with a tattoo shop, figure out how to pay for it, get the guts to actually do it…i think i may wait until the end of school and get it for a graduation present to myself. that way, i can show it to her at my graduation party or something. 

i kind of want to get it in her handwriting but i don’t know. i would have to tell her about it beforehand and i feel like if i did, she would try to talk me out of it because she probably doesn’t feel special enough to reside on my body for the rest of my life. and i can’t not tell her what it’s for because then she’ll be like, “okay why am i writing ‘breathe’ in cursive for you?” i don’t know. but i really really really do want this tattoo - and i’ve never wanted one before in my life until this.